i love going to therapy but i feel so awful i dont want to move ugh. I think this is the only time with this therapist i havent wanted to go.

i would apologize for not writing anything in a while, but i'm not sorry. deal with it. havent been in the mood to write anything. Maybe later.

yay

I'm finally able to eat some solid foods again. I had a bowl of oatmeal, a banana, and a bag of popcorn yesterday and some apple sauce and a bowl of oatmeal today. Yay solid foods. I still am going to sip tea and soup just to be safe but i can still eat something less liquid-y. I really hope the doctor finds something. i'm so tired of hearing 'We couldn't find anything wrong. ' because clearly something is wrong if this has been happening since i was a little kid and hasn't gotten better, only worse.

on a lighter note, this reminded me of me and my rats sometimes <3

Had to miss therapy today. My stomach decided to play a game of 'lets not let her eat' again. Every time I've eaten anything in the past three weeks I end up either feeling like i'm going to hurl or with horrible heartburn. Did go to the doctor instead though. She thinks it might be the depression being really bad (oh sure. I've had this long before I've had depression, thx.) but she did take a blood sample and is going to look for many different things so i'll hear back next week. ugh. I still need to eat something. I nibbled a little on a cracker but I need to do more then that. I have plans to hang out with a friend on Sunday with my bf so I really want, and need, to be better by then but this has been going on for WEEKS. I'm already worried about if or how sick I will get from my anxiety (must find my Ativan...) but now this? Walking somewhere when I barely have the energy to walk to the bathroom (literately like two feet in front of my bedroom door.) is going to be a little worriesome but then again, me worrying isn't helping. This is obnoxious....
On the plus side, I finally got the invite for Mists of Pandaria Beta yay!

tgif

Yay Friday. Therapy. Always nice. I get yoga and meditation material today which I've been looking forward to. I'm feeling better since yesterday though it still bothers me. Lack of friends up here thing. Well i have friends, but they're not always best to hang out with. Two are in Portland, one doesnt do the hanging out thing and another lives quite a ways away though she used to live up here. Its partly my fault for not having friends here; i should have been more aggressive and persistent and I stay mostly to my house or around my bf but i dislike talking to and being around strangers. Freaks me out. I didnt used to be like that but i think being by myself for almost 2 years has put me out of practice and no longer comfortable being around strangers. Never liked talking to strangers but it was never this bad. Tried talking to mom about it but she made me feel worse, though i know it wasnt her intent. She did suggest i try knitting/crochet guilds and clubs at school (when i start going again but that means i need to call disability) so i might look into that.

On another note, i'm starting to join my granny squares for my crocheted blanket even though not all the squares are done but i'm just going to start making them as i go, maybe one to a few at a time but making just squares and having so many start piling up was just too much. i'd rather join and have a wip blanket forming instead of its bits lying around. It would be fun to teach crocheting and knitting but i need to get much better at it.

i'm glad i'm feeling better from my meds. Took over a week to start feeling normal and i've had on and off heartburn and nausea since then but i think thats just my body getting back to where it was before it was knocked out of wack. Definitely not those meds again. Therapist is going to/has talked to the psychiatrist about them. Most likely will tell/has told her that they are really not good for me and did way more harm then its worth. That was awful. I miss my meds that didnt really have any side effects other then the sleeping one just made me a little groggy for a few hours after waking up. That's heaven compared to what those new ones did to me. ugh.

There's too much to say right now but all i will say is i wish i was dead. I just don't want to deal with any of this any more.

Not going to do anything... its just a desire I have right now. Being alone isnt helping anything but i know it cant be helped, not without waking people up.

whee saturday

My therapy session yesterday went well. He provided me some tips on how to sleep better (one was that i had to stop spending my life in my bed even though its oh so comfy). Some i already knew but hearing a professional tell me kinda let me know that i had to stop shrugging off the information and just do it. We also went over the Sitting/Standing Mountain pose in yoga. He's having me try a type of yoga thats designed for people who have gone through trauma and what it has for example is it will not have 'vulnerable' positions, such as Down Dog. i like that idea of doing guided yoga that i'm in charge of. Next week hes going to give me a dvd with some AM and PM yoga and i think like a meditation guide. I'm pretty excited. Another suggestion he had was to try doing meditation before i go to sleep. So i've tried doing like this tension/no tension thing where i tense up and release like sections of muscles, like i'll tense my feet then let go then work my way up to my head, then after that i'll try some meditation. So far it seems to work with killing my monkey mind and relaxing me enough so i can get restful sleep finally. I prefer sitting in my bed since its so nice but i agree, if i keep sitting in it, it will stop being associated with 'sleep' and start being 'day to day life' and also being hunched over all the time to work on my comp isnt good for my back so this is better but still.

I really need more decorations in my room.... this 'all white and empty thing' just isnt cutting it for me. It looks so much worse and empty and bleh when i clean my room.

Oh, tomorrow my bf is going to give me an Easter egg hunt (yay!) and then i get to see my friend whos over there and i dont get to see him often. Monday bf and i are going shopping for clothes at the mall near my house and then we'll be able to eat my parents easter dinner leftovers yay! oh maybe i can get some froyo :o i'm such a froyo fiend XD Damn lactose intolerance. I'm such a glutton for punishment. I die whenever i eat dairy but i cant stop myself when its in frozen yogurt form. nomnom red velvet cupcake yogurt mmmm. I need to learn how to make that. Seriously. I found some sorbet recipes in my italian cook book and they look pretty simple and they're non-dairy so i think i'll make them when it starts to heat up. Its just fruit juice and sugar. Maybe another ingredient too, but i dont remember. I should look through the rest of my cookbooks and pick out any other recipes that i want to try for me and my family or me and bf. I dont think my family will like all those desserts around though if i want to make those. My dad will probably eat them even though hes diabetic. ugh.

I am almost done knitting my first sock even though its getting close to weather where i wont need wool socks lol at least they'll be ready for next season.

ugh

I didnt think i'd be making another post so soon but oh, man, i feel horrid. My intestines are doing bad painful things, i feel like i'm going to hurl, i've gotten about two hours of sleep and i need to leave for therapy in half an hour. I hope my ondansetron kicks in soon. I really dont want to go to therapy and start vomiting because my digestive system hates me. I hate this. I really do. I'm tired of being so sick for unknown reasons and the most my doctors will give me is 'nothings wrong.' Yeah, nothing wrong my foot. There's definitely nothing wrong when you vomit around five - ten times a year and dont even get me started on how many flipping hours i spend in the bathroom on the bathroom rug leaning against the wall next to the toilet, curled up in a towel and wanting to die or just anything to just make it stop. I hate it. I need to be able to sleep. I really do. Insomnia and sleep deprivation does nothing to help depression and anxiety, which in turn do nothing to help my digestive problems and headaches. I'm unwilling to go back to my nurse practitioner, because i think that title says it all. I'm sure she is good for what she is equipped for, but what i deal with is more chronic and serious then what she is most certainly able to help with. I feel bad saying that but its true. You go to walk in clinics for things like a broken finger, a bad cold or flu, things like that. Not severe depression and anxiety which loves to wreak havoc on your body. I've just finally gotten up to a healthier weight. Yay no longer under 100lbs. Ugh i'm bouncing all over and its past 2pm. Then again it takes like 15 minutes to get there... i think i'm going to sit here and write on here. Its giveing me something else to do besides focusing on how awful i feel. And if that means going to therapy in my pajamas, who cares. Its more comfortable and less invasive on my system then jeans and thats pretty important right now. I wish i could go to a real doctor, but that would entail changing insurance and if that happened i'd have to change therapists. I think i touched on that in my last post. Thats why i was talking about different therapists; my mom is looking into different insurances. Shes also not happy with a nurse practitioner but for her its more of a, and i dont like saying this but its true, snooty thing. She has problems that shes managed to take care of herself and therefore her practitioner can handle it. My problem is that i need a real doctor. The medication this practitioner and the psychiatrist from this same clinic thing have given me (four different medications in total) have made me EXTREMELY sick. The rispiridone my practitioner gave me made me really really dizzy and ill on the day before my birthday which was my 'family party' day and my pet rat died that day. That was supposed to be a fun day, celebrating my 21st birthday and all with my grandparents and parents with veggies and chips and dip (shoosh, the veggies and dip were addictive haha) and my favorite cake, but nope. Had to go icky. Last week, i was given three medications that i'm still feeling sick from. At least that other medication i was given i felt fine and back to normal after a couple days. I'm glad i felt good enough to go to my boyfriends to celebrate my 21st with him and our friend. I might be stuck going to my practitioner because i need more Ondansetron since i only have four left and i get nauceous pretty much constantly and since i'm still feeling horrid and i've had the runs for the past week (yes its too much info, but i'm sure you can handle that.) which isnt good and i'm still exhausted and still just standing or walking can make me sick to my stomach. I seriously thought i was on my way to puking this past wensday when bf and i walked to the grocery store to get me some food. I had to sit down almost like every five minutes and felt sick. Ugh 2:09pm. Seriously? it only took me 10 minutes to write all this? jeez. I guess i should get ready, my tummy is calming down and i need to talk to my therapist about this and get his opinion. That reminds me, i also need to call my schools disability center and the hospital and fill out FAFSA again. <-- lazy

wish me luck

hi.

I just started this blog because I thought it might be good for me to get some stuff off my chest and maybe, hopefully, in the process, I can shed light on people with illnesses because I am aware that there is a lot of misconception and myths around them. Its also a good way for my friends to keep up with whats going on in my life. There is a chance I will regret this blog but for the moment, eh.

So far, not much has happened to day. Got to the shaping part of my sock, which I'm happy about, got to see my bf and now its 2am and I don't feel like sleeping even though i have an appointment at 3pm tomorrow. I like my therapist and i really don't want to change to another one, even though the rest of the medical staff there hasn't helped me. Just made me sicker. Ugh. If I do have to change, I don't know. Maybe he, bf and I can still talk after i leave since i wont technically be his patient anymore. I'm not sure if that's even permitted. I know during the therapy its not, but what about after? who knows. I'll cross that bridge if/when it comes. Is it sad that Friday's are the highlight of my week? Jesus, I need a life.