i love going to therapy but i feel so awful i dont want to move ugh. I think this is the only time with this therapist i havent wanted to go.

i would apologize for not writing anything in a while, but i'm not sorry. deal with it. havent been in the mood to write anything. Maybe later.

yay

I'm finally able to eat some solid foods again. I had a bowl of oatmeal, a banana, and a bag of popcorn yesterday and some apple sauce and a bowl of oatmeal today. Yay solid foods. I still am going to sip tea and soup just to be safe but i can still eat something less liquid-y. I really hope the doctor finds something. i'm so tired of hearing 'We couldn't find anything wrong. ' because clearly something is wrong if this has been happening since i was a little kid and hasn't gotten better, only worse.

on a lighter note, this reminded me of me and my rats sometimes <3

Had to miss therapy today. My stomach decided to play a game of 'lets not let her eat' again. Every time I've eaten anything in the past three weeks I end up either feeling like i'm going to hurl or with horrible heartburn. Did go to the doctor instead though. She thinks it might be the depression being really bad (oh sure. I've had this long before I've had depression, thx.) but she did take a blood sample and is going to look for many different things so i'll hear back next week. ugh. I still need to eat something. I nibbled a little on a cracker but I need to do more then that. I have plans to hang out with a friend on Sunday with my bf so I really want, and need, to be better by then but this has been going on for WEEKS. I'm already worried about if or how sick I will get from my anxiety (must find my Ativan...) but now this? Walking somewhere when I barely have the energy to walk to the bathroom (literately like two feet in front of my bedroom door.) is going to be a little worriesome but then again, me worrying isn't helping. This is obnoxious....
On the plus side, I finally got the invite for Mists of Pandaria Beta yay!

tgif

Yay Friday. Therapy. Always nice. I get yoga and meditation material today which I've been looking forward to. I'm feeling better since yesterday though it still bothers me. Lack of friends up here thing. Well i have friends, but they're not always best to hang out with. Two are in Portland, one doesnt do the hanging out thing and another lives quite a ways away though she used to live up here. Its partly my fault for not having friends here; i should have been more aggressive and persistent and I stay mostly to my house or around my bf but i dislike talking to and being around strangers. Freaks me out. I didnt used to be like that but i think being by myself for almost 2 years has put me out of practice and no longer comfortable being around strangers. Never liked talking to strangers but it was never this bad. Tried talking to mom about it but she made me feel worse, though i know it wasnt her intent. She did suggest i try knitting/crochet guilds and clubs at school (when i start going again but that means i need to call disability) so i might look into that.

On another note, i'm starting to join my granny squares for my crocheted blanket even though not all the squares are done but i'm just going to start making them as i go, maybe one to a few at a time but making just squares and having so many start piling up was just too much. i'd rather join and have a wip blanket forming instead of its bits lying around. It would be fun to teach crocheting and knitting but i need to get much better at it.

i'm glad i'm feeling better from my meds. Took over a week to start feeling normal and i've had on and off heartburn and nausea since then but i think thats just my body getting back to where it was before it was knocked out of wack. Definitely not those meds again. Therapist is going to/has talked to the psychiatrist about them. Most likely will tell/has told her that they are really not good for me and did way more harm then its worth. That was awful. I miss my meds that didnt really have any side effects other then the sleeping one just made me a little groggy for a few hours after waking up. That's heaven compared to what those new ones did to me. ugh.

There's too much to say right now but all i will say is i wish i was dead. I just don't want to deal with any of this any more.

Not going to do anything... its just a desire I have right now. Being alone isnt helping anything but i know it cant be helped, not without waking people up.